Open Letters

Open Letters

Dear Vlasic,
If you want to re-enter the modern marketplace, perhaps it’s time to update your mascot. You’re a Groucho pickle in a Techno world.

Dear Britney Spears,
Double entrende is only worth a shit if it’s provocative and/or clever. Your attempt at it, If U Seek Amy, is just lame.

“…all the boys and all the girls are begging to F-U-C-K me…”

Pathetic. I find it hard to believe it took at least four people (songwriters Max Martin, Shellback, Savan Kotecha, Alexander Kronlund) to “compose” this dreck. And it’s unoriginal, I might add. Does no one remember the band April Wine who released a tune called If You See Kay in 1982?

Dear WWE,
You suck. Adding Donald Trump does nothing but amplify that fact. Also, how many f&*$ing times do I need to see a commercial of John Cena wagging his hand over his face? Jesus H. Christ – enough already. Who am I you ask? I’m a guy not intrigued by homoerotic Vaudevillian slapstick and body oil, thank you.

Dear Jon & Kate Plus 8,
Who didn’t see this coming? Congratulations, Jon, on your separation from that self-involved harpie. Not that you’re much better. Good luck affording anything after you’ve been sucked dry for child support times eight. Maybe Kate will “switch teams” and become a lesbian with the Octo-Mom and our sick, voyeuristic culture will bail you out of your financial woes by continuing to watch these attention whores until the 22 offspring are old enough to compete in Baby Bowl – a Super Bowl halftime spectacle completely on-par with the fantastically awful entertainment that our nation craves. Irony demands that Trojan or Lifestyles buy the title sponsorship.

Goddamn I hate this planet sometimes.

OK, most of the time…


About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.