Let me state from the onset that I am not at all homophobic, but I have always requested and gotten a female massage therapist. As it happened today I drew a guy named Luke. I will now begin rattling off every one-liner and awkward moment that occurred to me as this scenario played out.
First, the Star Wars jokes that came about from his name being Luke:
- “Use the force, Luke.”
- “Beware of the dark side, Luke!”
- “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
- “Don’t get cocky, kid!”
- “Luke, I am (old enough to be) your father.”
During the pre-interview when I was letting him know about my chronic shoulder problem he said, “Well, when I get to that part you can let me know if I should go deeper.”
OK, where to begin… The first thing that popped into my head was there’s no way I am telling a guy to go deeper no matter what the circumstance is. Secondly I thought, “What does this guy think he’s getting from me? He didn’t even buy me dinner first.”
On that same topic it was off-putting to have him ask, “Am I hurting you?”
I kept my eyes closed the whole time as I always do, so there were no visual cues to take me out of the moment. Still, there are some things that can’t be ignored and do serve as a reminder of the true circumstances:
- It’s straight up creepy to be laying face down with a man standing above you and have a gooey liquid land on you.
- You know when the therapist puts their weight onto their forearms and sweeps across your back? It’s weird to suddenly feel the sensation of arm hair. I just pretended “she” was Italian.
- A man-on-man massage should not involve oils that smell like Strawberry Bubble Yum. Period.
Well, I think that about sums it up. All kidding aside, I will say that the experience was a good one and that my shoulder feels better than it has in quite a while.
You may be asking yourself, “Did you give him a tip?”
No, I gave him the whole thing!
Bada boom! Bada bing! Tip your waiters and try the veal… I’m here all week!