Episode VII: Luke Strikes Back

Episode VII: Luke Strikes Back

Let me state from the onset that I am not at all homophobic, but I have always requested and gotten a female massage therapist. As it happened today I drew a guy named Luke. I will now begin rattling off every one-liner and awkward moment that occurred to me as this scenario played out.

First, the Star Wars jokes that came about from his name being Luke:

  1. “Use the force, Luke.”
  2. “Beware of the dark side, Luke!”
  3. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
  4. “Don’t get cocky, kid!”
  5. “Luke, I am (old enough to be) your father.”

During the pre-interview when I was letting him know about my chronic shoulder problem he said, “Well, when I get to that part you can let me know if I should go deeper.”

OK, where to begin… The first thing that popped into my head was there’s no way I am telling a guy to go deeper no matter what the circumstance is. Secondly I thought, “What does this guy think he’s getting from me? He didn’t even buy me dinner first.”

On that same topic it was off-putting to have him ask, “Am I hurting you?”

I kept my eyes closed the whole time as I always do, so there were no visual cues to take me out of the moment. Still, there are some things that can’t be ignored and do serve as a reminder of the true circumstances:

  1. It’s straight up creepy to be laying face down with a man standing above you and have a gooey liquid land on you.
  2. You know when the therapist puts their weight onto their forearms and sweeps across your back? It’s weird to suddenly feel the sensation of arm hair. I just pretended “she” was Italian.
  3. A man-on-man massage should not involve oils that smell like Strawberry Bubble Yum. Period.

Well, I think that about sums it up. All kidding aside, I will say that the experience was a good one and that my shoulder feels better than it has in quite a while.

You may be asking yourself, “Did you give him a tip?”

No, I gave him the whole thing!

Bada boom! Bada bing! Tip your waiters and try the veal… I’m here all week!

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.