Mountain, Man

Mountain, Man

On vacation this past week I continually crossed paths with a redneck dude dressed in sparkly, spangly jeans, t-shirts and trucker hats… I nicknamed him Ed Hardly.

While current fashion trends have reached Massanutten, VA, I was surprised to see that some things have not. On the basic cable offerings available at the resort there was Fox News but no MSNBC. At the Super Walmart that we hit for some supplies mid-week I found no wall of the trendy pop culture t-shirts that I like to wear, but I did find an entire rack of pro-America shirts (that were of course made in China) for the low, low patriotic price of $3.99 each. Even better than that – and perhaps indicative of a primary career option in those parts – there was a full rack of those day-glow orange and green vests that road crews wear for safety.

I was going to joke about the veracity of the claim that a Walmart could indeed be super, but we got some pretty decent tasting wine from there for $4.00 a bottle so I will resist biting that hand that fed.

On the topic of music – there seems to be something afoot in VA. Perhaps because of the mountains, the signals that were originally broadcast throughout the 80s are just now reaching the speakers! I heard Loverboy’s “The Kid Is Hot Tonite” during primetime hours on a pop station. This in conjunction with my chance encounter of “Hot Girls In Love” a few weeks back has me on guard against a Canadian attack…

On a sad note, both in terms of my personal viewing preference and as a health commentary, the three largest pairs of breasts that I saw at the pool on day one of the trip all belonged to males between the approximate ages of 12 to 20. Very disconcerting.

Let’s see, what else… I used the Bronson Equation when we got ice cream one evening. Everyone else ordered either a cone or 4-ounce cup of their favorite flavor. I then deduced that because I was having the Edy’s Strawberry Cheesecake Yogurt – which is, of course, the healthier option – I could go ahead and get the 8-ounce cup! Viva la Math! Is it any wonder how I maintain my girlish figure?

On that note, it’s always nice to be reminded just how massive you are – and by a horse no less! We were trying to decide how we would share childcare duties so all of the adults could go horseback riding. That task became much easier when I noticed the 230-pound weight limit that the stable had in the fine print. Bronson watch kids. Other adults ride horses.

What kind of self-respecting equus can’t take one for the team and handle my admittedly overweight cargo? Pussies.

Well, I think that covers the week that was at Massanutten. I’ve spared you the standard family vacation observations (including but not limited to swimming, golfing, tubing, water parks, fine dining, child tantrums, sightseeing, carryout food, considerable alcohol intake, massages, et al.) and instead offered this alternative view as I hope you’ve come to expect from me…

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.