You Know, Fan Is Short For Fanatic…

You Know, Fan Is Short For Fanatic…

So, my favorite hockey team just got their ass handed to them in Game 7 of a series that should have been over and I’m watching some retard named McCrory walk three guys in the midst of allowing four runs (so far) in the 9th inning of the O’s game… It’s time to vent some of this anger.

Let’s start with hockey, where Sidney Crosby will surely use his time off between now and the Conference Finals to sneak in an appointment with his gynecologist. What a pussy! And therein lies the problem. Every goal he scores is mop-up duty around the net. He must have been a janitor in a former life.

Bing Crosby is tougher than Sidney – even now, and he’s dead. David Crosby is tougher than Sidney. Hell, Cathy Lee Crosby is tougher than Sidney.

Why don’t teams clear his ass out like they do to anyone else in the crease? Because lil’ Sid would pitch a fit to the referee and draw a penalty. In a sport that is defined by toughness he is a prima ballerina. Try badminton, Nancy-boy.

As for the Caps, a season of outstanding improvement and momentum ends in a steaming brown pile on center ice. How do you not show up for the defining moment of your year? Has anyone seen Mike Green? Norris Trophy finalist Mike Green. Led all defensemen in nearly every offensive category Mike Green. Bueller? Bueller?

To the aforementioned referees, I would just like to know how two evenly matched teams end a series with a 15 power play differential. Something stinks. No, I’m not talking conspiracy theory – I’m talking shitty officiating.

Moving on to other annoyances, my wife yelled to me from the other room last night to turn on American Idol. She said I had to see Adam because he was going to sing the U2 song, One. I have a deep, deep hatred of all things reality-TV and talent competitions and I have never watched any of them. I decided to give a listen to see how the guy who everyone says is the best would handle a fantastic song.

I made it to the end of the first verse. It was dreadful.

Sam The Butcher from The Brady Bunch would have been proud of that slaughter. Nicholson’s character in The Shining didn’t handle the axe as well as Adam. Hell, Lizzie Borden herself couldn’t have performed more of a hatchet job on it.

If that’s the best America has to offer it’s no wonder I like so many British bands.

By the way, as I’ve been typing this the Orioles scored four runs in the bottom of the 9th… It’s a shame that retard allowed four in the top.

Well, the venting is over and it didn’t help at all… Shit.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.