OK, I have a few grievances that have arisen over the last several hours:

1. Why on Earth should I have to assemble toys? I actually spent money to aggravate myself to the brink of alcoholism. Specifically, doll furniture. I would pay extra if it could only be shipped to me already in the finished form. If, and I stress if, I have to buy it in pieces, is it too much to ask that:

A. all of the pieces are actually cut to the proper specifications

B. the directions contain more than a hastily sketched illustration

C. the fucking thing is worth the time I put into it when it’s done

2. When the weather calls for freezing rain overnight into the morning in select areas throughout the region, that doesn’t mean that you have to drive 30 MPH the instant the first drop of precipitation hits your windshield. If you are that scared to operate your vehicle in anything less than perfect conditions, please stay home or call one of those shuttles from the local senior center.

3. If you are willing to completely halt the progress of everyone else in the parking lot so you can wait out the person who’s about to leave – just to get a spot that’s 25 feet closer to the mall entrance – kill yourself! I’m fat and lazy, and I have to tell you that traversing the distance of those extra three spaces will not harm you in the least! As an added bonus, you won’t have the rest of the patrons on the lot staring daggers into the back of your head.

Well, enough of that. I need to save my energy for Assembly Part Deux on the morrow… To anyone out there who contributed to the hijinks above, I’m actively hoping that an unimpeded meteorite lands directly in your lap. To the rest of you, have a happy holiday.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.