Full Moon?

Full Moon?

I will pay a handsome reward if there is anyone out there who can tell me why, completely out of the blue with no warning, I started humming the theme from The Smurfs to myself as I left the office today.

In a move to be more timely I have nicknamed my genitalia “The Big Three.” This allows me to take the absurdity of the Congressional bailout hearings in stride as I imagine the halls of power discussing the merits of giving my junk several billion dollars… Plus the old name, Pep Boys – Manny, Moe and Jack – was a bit outdated.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking… “What the fuck is he on?”

Just so you know, I generally don’t assign automobile-themed nicknames to my nether region. Honestly I think my blood sugar’s a little low at the moment. I’m gonna go eat some leftover Halloween candy in an attempt to level this shit out. Please hold.

And we’re back. Sarah Silverman is on TV and I continue to be conflicted on my opinion of her. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s cute. She’s got a hot body. In spite of all that I get the feeling she would annoy the shit out of me after about an hour. Then again, most people do. Moving on…

Congratulations to Chad and the other douches in Nickelback. You have dethroned Limp Bizkit as my most-hated band-like substance. Don’t worry, Fred Durst, you’ll always be number two to me…

Dear Britney, how can they call it a comeback if you never left? I respectfully request that you disappear completely for at least one calendar year so I can begin to actually be curious what you’re up to. By the way, auto-tuned vocals and a bunch of machine beats do not a comeback make. That shit is unbearable. I think Ecstasy was invented to make club music tolerable. The goofy and horny side effects were just happy accidents.

Hey Cinemax, do you really expect us to believe that the people in your late night entertainment are screwing? She’s clearly sitting on his rib cage! It’s Tab A into Slot B. Check the back page of an old Mad Magazine if you need a visual. For those of you who have no idea what I am referencing, look it up on the Google…

OK, bedtime is definitely in order. Hasta, bitches.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.