BUSH ON LEGACY: ‘I’M LEAVING WITH THE SAME SET OF VALUES’
Which only goes to show that the dumb fucker hasn’t learned a single thing.
PIRATES HIJACK CHEMICAL TANKER OFF SOMALIA
Here’s a thought… Maybe some of the guys on these ships should have guns. And maybe they should keep a lookout. Or maybe we should call Aquaman to help – he’s not really good for anything else.
MARBURY SUSPENDED, DOCKED SALARY FOR REFUSING TO PLAY
OK, let me be clear on this one… If you have the natural ability and the good fortune to be able to earn $190,000 per game to play basketball for a living – we should never, ever, ever hear even a whisper of discontent from you. Shut up. Suit up. Bounce the fucking ball and put it through the hoop. Repeat until you feel like retiring. Asshole.
WAL-MART WORKER DIES IN RUSH; TWO KILLED AT TOY STORE
I am pretty sure that this doesn’t fall under the ‘What would Jesus do?’ mantra.
MAN SAVES FAMILY FROM THANKSGIVING FIRE
Thanks for making me look bad, dude. My grandest accomplishment was not eating the rest of the mashed potatoes before everyone had their first helping.
ATTACKER BEATEN WITH CANDY CANE
Now he needs some Life Savers.
PANDA ATTACKS MAN WHO WANTED A CUDDLE
No means no, motherfucker!
AXL ROSE ACCUSES DR PEPPER OF MALPRACTICE
I accuse Axl Rose of needing practice… and lessons… and a vocal chord transplant… and a fucking clue.
DNA TIES SUSPECT IN ARKANSAS SLAYING TO RAPE
This seems a little dodgy to me as most of Arkansas shares similar DNA. That branch of the evolutionary tree hangs low and dips into the gene pool every time a kid uses the tire swing dangling from it.
FDA SETS SAFE LEVEL FOR INFANT FORMULA CONTAMINANT
We’re arbitrarily deciding how much contaminant is suitable for our kids now? Umm… how about zero percent? Zero seems like the safest amount.
MALE HORMONE PATCH INCREASES LIBIDO IN WOMEN
The telltale sign that they’re hot for you is that little twitch in their newly-formed Adam’s apple. Have at ‘er, boys!
OK, time for sleep…