Headlines, You Crack Me Up!

Headlines, You Crack Me Up!

MCCAIN: RACE WON’T DETERMINE OUTCOME OF ELECTION
Not for lack of trying, Gramps. Not for lack of trying.

PALIN: ‘RADICAL’ IS OBAMA ALLY
The ‘radical’ in question is Rashid Khalidi – a respected scholar who doesn’t agree with much of Israel’s foreign policy. However, in the grand tradition of the McCain/Palin campaign, anyone with an opposing view is labeled, categorized and summarily dismissed or used as fodder to incite ominous, hateful propaganda.

How about Todd Palin? He was in an organization that wanted Alaska to secede from the U.S.! First Dude, my ass! Now that’s a radical!

THE STINK IN FARTS CONTROLS BLOOD PRESSURE
And that explains it! My health is generally a mess of confusing test results and physical ailments, but my blood pressure has always been exceptional. Behold the power of cheese.

AUDITORS: PRIVATE SECURITY IN IRAQ COSTS OVER $6B
So, we’ve apparently spent over six billion dollars in Iraq paying private security companies to guard diplomats, troops, Iraqi officials and reconstruction workers. Take a minute and let that sink in… Relax your breathing… Now, let me ask the question we’re all asking ourselves right now…

Is the surge really working? If you have to hire guards to protect your troops and the people they’re supposedly protecting then isn’t it safe to assume that you don’t have enough troops in the first place, in which case it should be damn near impossible to claim success from a surge that is clearly insufficient?

Pardon me, I just dropped into a Bush logic vortex there for a moment… I’m OK now. Don’t even get me started on the monetary element of this fiasco.

KENTUCKY MAN, 82, ACCUSED OF TRADING DRUGS FOR SEX
Well, you can’t spell Kentucky without KY.

GOP GROUP’S HEAD CALLS OBAMA ‘A MUSLIM SOCIALIST’
Bronson calls GOP group’s head ‘a fucking moron.’

LOBSTER FISHERMEN FEEL PINCH OF GLOBAL CRISIS
I only put this one in here to shame the fucktard who wrote the headline. Have you no dignity, sir?

SENATORS WANT MORE NFL GAMES ON TV
Ahh… Good to see you boys are focused on fixing the crush of problems overrunning our nation these days. Assholes.

HORNY GOAT WEED MAY OFFER VIAGRA ALTERNATIVE
How are we just figuring this out? It’s right there in the name!

IMPRESSIVE WEAPONS ARRAY PROTECTED NEW HAMPSHIRE TAX EVADERS
The home where a tax-evading couple avoided arrest for nine months was defended by concrete walls, homemade bombs and 60,000 rounds of ammunition. I guess they were tired of the Surrounding-47-Plus-Two telling them what to do. Do you think your radical friends can hook them up with a lawyer, First Dude?

PALIN PUTS U.S. ELECTION OUTCOME ‘IN GOD’S HANDS’
Well, if it’s up to Him anyway what has all of the yapping been about? This woman is a power-hungry entree with a side of Jesus freak, and she has delusions of grandeur to boot!

She says that she’d dive in with the House to create all sorts of new, wonderful policies if she is elected since, after all, she would be in charge of the House. Trouble is, she wouldn’t.

I haven’t spent a single second on Social Studies or Civics since high school and I could’ve told you that, Gov’na!

You’d be the tie-breaker. If they needed you, they would call. A quick visit to Wikipedia tells me that there are 435 members plus 5 non-voting members in the U.S. House of Representatives, so that puts you at 436 on my unofficial depth chart. In fact, if we could ever just get ALL of those assholes to vote on something you would never be needed since 435 is an odd number! I digress…

She’s got more issues than Newsweek. She’s got more problems than the SAT. She’s got more baggage than American Airlines. She’s nuttier than a PayDay candy bar. I could probably go on for some time, but I am getting sleepy…




About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.