Folksy Turtle Balls And Other Stuff

Folksy Turtle Balls And Other Stuff

Kate Beckinsale was being followed and interviewed by paparazzi when she let this response fly to a food question, “I’d rather eat pussy than sushi.”

So, one minute she’s just another beautiful actress from across the pond, and then – after muttering what I would call a common sense universal truth – she’s the hottest thing to come out of Britain since the BTU!

For the record, my sources have yet to uncover any proof of this behavior from Kate, so she’s probably just leveraging the sex appeal cache that she’s built up in the Underworld movies and having some fun at the expense of every male libido on the planet. Damn!

Moving on, there’s controversy regarding Oliver Stone’s new film, W, which is obviously a less-than-flattering portrayal of the Bush presidency. As if there could be a flattering portrayal? There have been claims that it’s propaganda for the Democratic Party or even a character assassination of GWB.

Well, to borrow a catch-phrase from John McCain… My friends, you can’t assassinate the character of a man who has none.

There was a point in his speech today where McCain fired off three “my friends” in a row. It’s becoming a crutch. Or a nervous tick. Do you think he’s been coached to drop it in as much as possible?

“Senator, our numbers show that you are most often compared to Dr. Evil.”

“What country is he the leader of?”

“Goddamn it, old man! Just be sure to say ‘my friends’ as much as you can. Even when it’s completely out of sync with what you’re talking about. It makes you seem more folksy. People love folksy.”

You almost have to feel sorry for McCain, as the losses he’s suffered during this financial downturn are immeasurable. They’re immeasurable because HE DOESN’T KNOW FOR SURE HOW MANY FUCKING HOUSES HE OWNS!

“My friends, I could swear I had those launch codes with me this morning. Must’ve left them in my other pants – you know, the khaki ones. No, the other khaki ones. Cindy, my friend, pass the grapefruit juice. Oh, and why don’t you see about getting a pair of those Palin frames for your reading glasses. Those things make me hotter than the balls of a turtle stuck on his back in the Arizona sun!”

All of that said, I am still somewhat sure that America will find a way to fuck things up even farther no matter who wins. Hooray team. You’ve broken me. I swear there was a day where I was the most optimistic person you’ve ever met. At least I’ll have no shortage of shit to be sarcastic about. So, even in sadness, joy abounds…

OK, I too am getting tired of the political crap. I promise a full-fledged return to fart jokes and odes to cleavage in the next installment. You know, the stuff that really matters…

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.