Monday Menagerie

Monday Menagerie

Why are we surprised by all of the closeted gays in the halls of power in Washington, D.C.? They’re pretty coy about it, but it’s right there in that old saying, “Politics makes strange bedfellows.”

Here’s something that’s bothered me off and on again for years:

George W. Bush essentially won his re-election by attacking the Vietnam service record of his opponent. Wait. What? Where were you, George? John Kerry was under fire in Vietnam while you were in Alabama fulfilling your Air National Guard obligations when you felt like it. Suffice to say that the only fire you saw in Alabama was either at a wild boar roast or a cross burning! Asshole. Still. In perpetuity.

If I was Kid Rock (and I’m glad I’m not), I would sue the pants off of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon for the way they’ve each blatantly ripped off portions of his masterful new hit song, “All Summer Long.” Where is the artistic integrity? Yes, that is sarcasm in case you’re new here.

I’m sure Kid Rock will say the song is an homage to some of his favorite classics. I would say that those classics should serve as proof that it’s not so tough to write your own song. They both only have three chords – D, C and G.

Even if his MMA career is now over for all intents and purposes, there are still opportunities out there for Kimbo Slice if he takes the path laid out by George Foreman. Picture this:

“Billy Mays here for the Kimbo Slicer! The Kimbo Slicer cuts items so efficiently that even Mighty Putty can’t repair them. Act now and we’ll send you a second Kimbo Slicer for $19.99 – that’s a savings of over 50%!”

By the way, MMA and all of that shit is still shit no matter how you slice it. It’s part of the human psyche that is a legacy to our evolutionary roots. It used to be called Natural Selection or Survival of the Fittest, but these days it’s really just a newer, more violent offshoot of homoerotic pastimes like boxing and wrestling created to bridge the gap between 19th and 21st century tastes. We’re only a few iterations from televised fights to the death between prison inmates and then we will have gone full circle to the days and ways of Rome’s Colosseum. Hooray for progress. That said, I’m sure the ratings for Deathmatch TV will be astronomical.

There, I just pissed off rednecks (What do you mean homoerotic?) and Creationists (What do you mean evolution?) in one paragraph. Not bad for a Monday.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.