Pornstaches & Arrogance

Pornstaches & Arrogance

Ever say something kind of racy that makes someone ask you, “Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?”

Well, the proper response from this day forth is, “No, but I went down on yours… that’s how it got so dirty!”

Anyway, what else is up? The country named after frozen water is on fire. There are “patriots” actively praying for the death of the President. The Oakland Raiders and Washington Redskins actually had decent drafts. The world is upside down at the moment!

In other sports-related thoughts, Comcast was replaying the deciding game from the 1997 Division Series between the Orioles and Seattle Mariners last night and it saddened me to think that no one on the current roster is as clutch as little-known utility infielder Jeff Reboulet. Even with his diminutive frame and terrible pornstache, Reboulet understood what it meant to step up when your number was called. He hit a homer off Randy Johnson, proving that the pornstache is indeed mightier than the mullet. Maybe the whole 2010 team needs to grow a cheesy mustache and stop lifting weights. Please do something – you’re 3-16!

Moving on to colossal global-scale disasters, you’re telling me that there isn’t a more effective way to stop the flow of oil to the surface when an oil rig has a catastrophic failure? What better demonstration of our arrogance is there? How does “drill baby drill” sound now, you fucking morons? When is the last time a wind farm or solar array caused a deadly oil slick the size of Ohio? Yes, I realize the absurdity of that question, and it’s far less absurd than tapping into the ocean floor for a valuable and dangerous substance without a way to stop it in case of emergency.

Speaking of disasters, Mike Green, I am done with you. One year of disappearing in the playoffs is a fluke. Two is a trend that I don’t need to see any more of. You suck under pressure. You collapse in every big moment you face. You are a choke artist. Bye bye in my book. I am sure you’ll be kept for at least another season because of your “enormous potential”, but I see through you. John Carlson is already a better defenseman than you’ll ever be. Ugh. Fucking Canadiens.

Finally for today, I would just like to say boobs. Because it’s fun to say. And because they are fun. So here goes… Boobs.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.