Are You There Margaret? It’s Me, God.

Are You There Margaret? It’s Me, God.

Feels like the first time… Haven’t blurted out a rambling blog in a while, but I have a little free time here at the end of the day so let’s have at it. Catching you up on the event of my life since our last episode, everything is in a bit of a holding pattern. Some technical difficulties at the studio have slowed progress on my oft-delayed recording project. I may have no choice but to call the album “Hysteria” in homage to Def Leppard by the time it is through. That said, I’ve got lots of new songs in various phases of completion in terms of writing. I am really enjoying some of them and I may release acoustic versions of the new stuff in tandem with the full versions of the older tunes. The beauty of internet delivery is its non-linear capability, so I may capitalize on that.

In other news, the heat pumps at our house continue to be a constant source of financial concern. Fuck you very much, Modern Comfort Systems. I can’t even fathom how much money I’ve literally thrown away in the name of heat or air conditioning thanks to your faulty installation and all of the subsequent repairs that have been needed. I wish nothing more for you and your families than the same shitty quality of service you’ve given me.

Sex? Can’t afford it. Thanks again Modern Comfort.

I’ve lost about 8 pounds recently. Don’t worry, I am sure I will find it.

Quick Take
Emma Stone is Lindsay Lohan without the crazy coke-whore issues.

Bonus Quick Take
I think a little bit of jail time would be worth the opportunity to punch Snooki in the face.

And just for fun, I found the following in a blog I apparently starting writing in July but never published…

World Cup Soccer
If I wanted to watch a bunch of pussies flop around like that, I would talk my way into a gangbang full of epileptic lesbians.

The Orioles
A lot of people have had a burst of hope due to the Birds’ 4-game sweep of the Rangers in Texas this weekend. I would just like to remind those people that the outburst of good baseball raised their record to 29-59 at the All-Star Break. Simmer down.

Mel Gibson
Who knew he’d end up crazier than Martin Riggs? Mel, take your hardcore-Catholic-turned-hardcore-psychotic ass to a treatment center and get your shit together, douchebag.

Lindsay Lohan
So unexpected! Who saw this coming? There were no signs at all. Yes, that is sarcasm in case you could not tell by the copious amounts dripping from those words.

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
Team Vomit.

Guy Behind Me On The Way To Work
If you rode any closer to me I would insist you buy me a ring and make an honest man of me. Back the fuck off, loser!

Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh
Slowly but surely, even the people who idolize you are realizing what bigoted, self-serving, pieces of shit you are on the inside. Your desperate attempts to “save” the country from whatever liberal ills that are afflicting it ring more hollow with every passing moment that you spill vile, ill-informed, often purely hateful drivel in the name of ratings, or even worse, simple unedited peeks into your inner-most thoughts.

British Petroleum
3 months? It takes 3 months to stop the spill? Do you find that remotely acceptable? Perhaps the next time you drill in difficult terrain you might consider having a plan in case of emergency BEFORE the emergency occurs. Just a thought.

Clowns
Scary and passe all at once.

Journalists Who Fancy Themselves Clever
In a recent article about people who are allergic to peanuts, the author opened with this cringe-worthy sentence, “Peanut allergy has proven to be a tough nut to crack.” Wow. Think of that yourself, did you?




About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.