Tarragon With The Wind

Tarragon With The Wind

Not long ago I was sitting and waiting for my kids to finish their activities and was situated in such a way that I could hear the entire conversation of the two women just around the corner from me. It was a mixed bag of topics – some more monotonous than others – including the use of tarragon on Thanksgiving turkey, the best Black Friday sales, which restaurants have the best baked potatoes, blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum… Then, all of a sudden they bother to lower their decibel level so that only they can hear their conversation (or so they thought) and I am treated to what I hope is an isolated opinion.

The topic turns to sex, but with a twist I did not see coming. See, as it turns out, these two particular soccer moms are apparently much too busy for their husbands’ affection. Here are several quotes, followed by my responses:

“It doesn’t matter what age they are, men just want one thing.”

Umm, yes. And that is why humans are the dominant species on Earth. This is a biological imperative. You ladies have your share of them as well, so get off your high horse… Then the second woman continues:

“Oh, I know. It’s awful!”

Wait! What? Awful? Is the sex awful because she married an unskilled or uncaring partner, or is it an awful concept that the man she married desires her all the time? This is a very important distinction that she did not clarify. In the one instance I feel bad for her if she’s not enjoying herself and getting pleasure from their sex life. In the other instance she is ungrateful and self-centered. OK, now back to woman #1:

“Seriously. And as the kids get older and are out of the house more it’s only going to get worse.”

Worse? Maybe not, ladies. Maybe your icy demeanors will eventually have the effect you seek and cause your men to:

1. Give up on you and sit around bitter and depressed all the time, wondering how they let harpies ruin their lives by treating what should be a shared act of passion as some sort of Pavlovian treat.

2. Give up on you and develop some sort of debilitating internet porn addiction that eventually replaces any amorous feelings he ever had for you. They don’t call them Quicktime movies for nothing, you know.

3. Give up on you and seek it elsewhere. Perhaps you’d prefer he bang the babysitter? Maybe you should let him find a special friend. Seriously, why can’t people who truly don’t have a sex drive get over their own possessiveness and insecurity and allow their partners to be happy out in the open? If you really love them as you say you do, shouldn’t you care that they are frustrated? Now, woman #2 finished the volley with this:

“You’re right. Once the kids are out of the house… (pauses awkwardly)… Is this what we have to look forward to?”

Well, it doesn’t sound like you’re looking forward to it at all. In fact, it sounds like you’re bracing yourself for an enemy onslaught. And if that’s how you view it, then maybe it’s no wonder it’s “awful.” It is not supposed to be a war of attrition. It’s supposed to be mutually pleasing, fun, relaxing… An escape from the rest of the world. If he’s not getting the job done, give him some on the job training instead of firing him!

At this point I wanted to pop around the corner and tell them that they should be happy that their men still have strong desires for them, and that they should examine their own feelings in that regard. One day, for any number of reasons, that may change and they may be sorry that they squandered the time they could have shared over such ridiculous excuses. 30 minutes a day could make both sides very happy… if both sides do their part to make it happen.

Anyway, just as I was really getting fired up their conversation jumped again and before I knew what hit me they’d moved on to the upsides and downsides of shopping online vs. being able to try things on in person. Stop it with the sexy talk, ladies. You’re driving me wild…

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I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.